i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
