My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
