I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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