So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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