Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They have beer where we have blood.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
