im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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