Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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