take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
