the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize