i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
