He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
