Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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