I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
