yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
