piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
