i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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