So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is Oprah even human
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
