We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
