he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize