I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
