he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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