i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
