I wish I could teleport
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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