Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
