Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
