is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
