yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
