Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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