I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Mom said you looked used
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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