I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
