Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
