and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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