My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
