I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
