His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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