My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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