Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
