Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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