Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
