I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Its about making memories worth repressing
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
