I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize