I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize