Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
