Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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