omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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