I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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