Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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