just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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