Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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