he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
