I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
