i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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