Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
