And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
