Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There's always time for handjobs
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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