I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just googled if crying burns calories
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize