Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
