a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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