she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
