he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize